Caught between Today and Yesterday.

Since the beginning of this month, I have been struggling to write much on anything that truly delves deep into the fog and the reason became clear to me yesterday.  In almost five years I have accumulated a numerous amount of court cases and in one of those court cases, I am finally going to take the stand and recount all the pain and trauma I went through once again.  Although the date of the hearing is still quite a ways away, I am faced with having to go through my old files and dig up the past in order for my lawyer and myself to be prepared.  The problem is, it’s not as simple as it sounds.

Thank You.

*originally written March 25, 2012

Over the last four years, I’ve stayed clear from every one that has, in one time or another, been in my life. It was the time I gave to myself to heal and process everything I had and was going through. Only the very closest and dearest to me knew my story, knew the details of the hurt and pain I went through and stood by me as I built my self up again. It was a choice I made, and as I look back at that decision, I am thankful I had enough strength and support to make it.

~*~*~*~

Not too long ago, I spent the evening with a cousin I had disconnected from since I got married. Initially, I had called her for help on a few logos, but I knew, due to our time apart and the “situation” that had been rumored about through the grapevines, I would be eventually sharing with her my story. I was ready. The years I spent picking up the pieces of who I was prepared me for moments like this.

As my cousin and I sat at the restaurant, we chatted about our lives today, the good times we shared when we were younger, and about the logos I needed. I knew the conversation was building to the one big question. Curiosity was glowing in her eyes and her strength to hold back was diminishing. Finally she asked.

Tactics of an abuser

Allow me to share this piece which I feel will help a lot of us …

UNDERSTANDING THE BATTERER IN CUSTODY AND VISITATION DISPUTES

by R. Lundy Bancroft
http://www.lundybancroft.com/pages/articles_sub/CUSTODY.htm

I think we can all relate to the way our abusers will gather sycophant allies around them and resort to spreading lies, malicious projection, finger-pointing and false rumours by factless innuendo and cruel insinuation. This rallying of troops to his ‘camp‘, those enablers that work with them is the well-worn tactic of the personality disordered fearful of exposure. His lies and calumny an effective coverup of his own actions.

The unexpected.

As we each step into the light and out of the fog, little by little, the feelings of being overwhelmed and helpless diminish and somewhat begin to disappear.  We get braver … stronger … taking bigger and bigger steps into the light.  We are focused, determined, and passionate about moving forward.  Grateful for the time that has past and the battles that have been won … but … in all that joy, we can sometimes forget the unexpected.

Just a week ago, I was lost in the heavy feelings of being overwhelmed and helpless.  I was simply frozen.  Unable to move forward and make sense of anything.  I tried desperately to understand what had happened, but it wasn’t until the weekend that the pieces began to fall into place.  Yes, many things were unraveling in my personal life and my own battles, but what I had not considered was, the feelings I would experience with opening this site.  It was the unexpected.

Overwhelmed.

Sometimes we get swallowed up by life.  We get lost in all that we need to do, how we are feeling, the stress of what comes our way, what we want to say, and desperation to get it all done.  It is the feeling of being overwhelmed, and sometimes thrown into the mix for good measure is a dose of helplessness.  I have been there many, many times before and just recently, these past few days.  Usually it happens when we have so many things on our to-do list, deadlines to meet, pressure to accomplish it all, and need to get it done right, but what we don’t realize is that, this feeling is much more intensified when one has gone through abuse.

Teens Start Talking …

Important words from our youth.

April 1st, 2012 …

For those of you who don’t know … the first of April ends Women’s Month and brings in the Month of two special issues in the United States:  National Child Abuse Awareness and Sexual Assault Awareness.  This two issues are intricately related to Domestic Violence, but at the same time, they can also be found in separate situations.  Both issues (and I only use the word ‘issues’ for lack of better words) are abuse.  There is no debate about that and it is a fact that we should all come to realize.