Off Balance …

The hardest part of life is making a decision that requires you to deny part of yourself for something society believes to be more important.  Happiness is only temporary, but contentment is lasting.  Contentment is defined by understanding and knowing who you are then fully accepting and embracing all of you with an open heart.  To deny parts of yourself only opens the door to anxiety, defensiveness, and guilt … usually under the guise of someone or something else.

As November slowly approaches, I feel my underlying anxiety creeping it’s way to the forefront of my daily life.  I have denied several pieces of me for so many months now, believing that I needed to focus on what I ‘needed’ to do, and finally it’s all caught up to me.  Who I am, who we all are, is a question we struggle to answer on a daily basis because of our constant distractions, emotions, tasks, needs and requirements of that day.

Today, I find myself reflecting on who I am, searching for the basis of my anxiety … trying to understand the reason why this overwhelming feeling has once more returned.  I know it’s a compilation of things, but I’ve come to understand something deeper this morning.

I’d like to share something I wrote a few days ago with you …

One journey.

Sometimes getting back into the swing of things is much easier said than done.

The last time I met with my lawyer, she said something to me that I haven’t quite been able to shake till now.  She told me that as she read my pieces on here, she realized that I wasn’t quite out of the fog as she had thought I was.  Since that day, I have found myself trying to prove (to myself) that I am indeed out of the fog.  Silly as it sounds, I was living life by avoiding everything that would remotely remind me of what used to be.  That is until I realized that for those of us that have lived in the fog, there will always come a point in time that although we are out, we will have our moments with one foot in the light while the other slipped back into the darkness.

I tried to explain to her the reasons I felt were important to understand why it may appear this way to her, not seeing that I was actually making excuses.  It was a hard admission I had to face.  I was in denial, to be honest.  I couldn’t possibly believe that after all this time, how hard I’ve worked, and how intensely I have fought … that maybe, just maybe … I was back at where I started.

I didn’t know my own strength …

Just last Friday I was reminded of these words I wrote and originally posted on Facebook.  One of my daughter’s teachers came up to me and asked if I wrote the words she read a month or so ago.  It took some time digging up the post, reading it and having her say, “That’s the one!” before I told her, “Yes, those are my words.”

Many times we often forget the strength we have and we need to be reminded, especially when we least expect it.  Below I would like to share with you the post I wrote not too long ago.

My Beginning …

*originally written March 8, 2011

It was an otherwise insignificant day in late 2007 that my world changed.  At the time, I wasn’t quite sure if it was for the better or for the worse, but what I was sure of, was the fact that my prayers were answered.  Looking back on that day, I can’t help but smile to myself as I remember the saying, “Be careful of what you wish for, because, you might just get it.”  Though, it is easy to say that in hindsight, it has been nothing but a hard and difficult journey to get to where I am today.  All of which has been worth it, because without it, none of what I share with you would be possible.