The hardest part of life is making a decision that requires you to deny part of yourself for something society believes to be more important. Happiness is only temporary, but contentment is lasting. Contentment is defined by understanding and knowing who you are then fully accepting and embracing all of you with an open heart. To deny parts of yourself only opens the door to anxiety, defensiveness, and guilt … usually under the guise of someone or something else.
As November slowly approaches, I feel my underlying anxiety creeping it’s way to the forefront of my daily life. I have denied several pieces of me for so many months now, believing that I needed to focus on what I ‘needed’ to do, and finally it’s all caught up to me. Who I am, who we all are, is a question we struggle to answer on a daily basis because of our constant distractions, emotions, tasks, needs and requirements of that day.
Today, I find myself reflecting on who I am, searching for the basis of my anxiety … trying to understand the reason why this overwhelming feeling has once more returned. I know it’s a compilation of things, but I’ve come to understand something deeper this morning.
I’d like to share something I wrote a few days ago with you …
Drown me in love …
Ignite me with passion …
Spark me with desire …
Infuse me with inspiration …
FIll me with belief …
Flood me with hope …
Entwine me in life …
And always … always …
Guide me with truth.
Our soul speaks to us every minute of every day, but most of the time we are too busy to hear its whispers. Too distracted to feel its cries. Too lost to recognize its yearnings. When I wrote the above, the hunger in my soul was too great to be ignored. Though the words are simple, the depth of feeling it gave me was endless. My soul was demanding I pay attention, and do something about it.
Throughout this journey, writing has always been my expression. It has allowed me to freely release my heart into the world, but I’ve held back in the recent months … kept quiet … pushed aside … and even denied my heart … my soul … this expression it requires. By doing so, I’ve denied myself and allowed the door to anxiety, defensiveness and guilt be opened.
November has always been a special month to me. My birthday is on the 24th and on 25th it’s the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women. As the days slowly approach, I am feeling loss. Loss of time that I simply can not get back. Many plans I had for this upcoming month have been shelved, pushed aside and now I find myself trying to figure out how to make up for negligence.
Something happened this year that brought me several steps back and made me want to forget about the life that I had lived once upon a time. I longed to find me, who I am without what I had experienced, but it was all an illusion. We can only be who we are from the growth, learning and understanding of our experiences. Yet, for a moment (compiled of a couple months) I wanted, as we do when we exercise or had a long day, to let go and forget everything … just be. It’s easy to do after a struggling Bikram Yoga class or with a beer after an exhausting week, but not so easy when you’ve been in the Fog.
I’ve been off balance, but I’ve refused to admit to myself. I can’t continue to do that anymore. It’s time admit, understand, learn, refocus and harness it into something positive.
My soul is telling me to do so, who I am to think I know better?
OUT OF THE FOG NOW 