Off Balance …

The hardest part of life is making a decision that requires you to deny part of yourself for something society believes to be more important.  Happiness is only temporary, but contentment is lasting.  Contentment is defined by understanding and knowing who you are then fully accepting and embracing all of you with an open heart.  To deny parts of yourself only opens the door to anxiety, defensiveness, and guilt … usually under the guise of someone or something else.

As November slowly approaches, I feel my underlying anxiety creeping it’s way to the forefront of my daily life.  I have denied several pieces of me for so many months now, believing that I needed to focus on what I ‘needed’ to do, and finally it’s all caught up to me.  Who I am, who we all are, is a question we struggle to answer on a daily basis because of our constant distractions, emotions, tasks, needs and requirements of that day.

Today, I find myself reflecting on who I am, searching for the basis of my anxiety … trying to understand the reason why this overwhelming feeling has once more returned.  I know it’s a compilation of things, but I’ve come to understand something deeper this morning.

I’d like to share something I wrote a few days ago with you …

Thank You.

*originally written March 25, 2012

Over the last four years, I’ve stayed clear from every one that has, in one time or another, been in my life. It was the time I gave to myself to heal and process everything I had and was going through. Only the very closest and dearest to me knew my story, knew the details of the hurt and pain I went through and stood by me as I built my self up again. It was a choice I made, and as I look back at that decision, I am thankful I had enough strength and support to make it.

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Not too long ago, I spent the evening with a cousin I had disconnected from since I got married. Initially, I had called her for help on a few logos, but I knew, due to our time apart and the “situation” that had been rumored about through the grapevines, I would be eventually sharing with her my story. I was ready. The years I spent picking up the pieces of who I was prepared me for moments like this.

As my cousin and I sat at the restaurant, we chatted about our lives today, the good times we shared when we were younger, and about the logos I needed. I knew the conversation was building to the one big question. Curiosity was glowing in her eyes and her strength to hold back was diminishing. Finally she asked.

Do you speak “Abuse”?

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“Secrets …

… We learn to hide each one of them from the eyes of the world, burying them deep within us, hoping that they will arrive in the land of the forgotten. Unknowingly when we do that, we inevitably keep ourselves chained to the depths of the fog he has created. We struggle against the chains, trying desperately to free ourselves, but the more we lock up our secrets and bury them inside us, the tighter their grip on us becomes. So we learn to cope, learn to believe what he says, and learn to understand that he is right … but still we silently pray, we silently hope, we silently plead with life to give us that one moment of safety to unchain us from our secret.” (excerpt from “Secrets.”)

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As luck would have it, there comes a day when we find that safe moment. We gather all our strength and courage to share our little secret … but, unfortunately, most of the time we are not faced with that loving parent mentioned in “Secrets.” We find we are not sharing our story with the person we thought would listen to every word and scoop us up immediately to hold us close. We are sharing our story with someone different, someone who doesn’t understand, someone who doesn’t believe us. Someone that begins to sound like him.

Secrets.

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Secrets. We all know and understand what emotions and struggles come with carrying secrets, but do we all know, understand and comprehend what emotions and struggles come with carrying dark secrets. I don’t think so.

A five year old child knows the guilt and fear of lying to their parents when they say, “I didn’t break it, Mommy. Thomas (their three year old brother) did!”

Children automatically fear the anger, the scolding, the punishment. The disapproving and disappointing looks they’ll get from the people they love most. They tremble from the idea that their wrongdoing might lead to their mother or father no longer loving them, but eventually, guilt kicks in. The weight of the lie, the secret, weighs heavily on them. It becomes too much for them to carry. Some children can’t sleep, some can’t eat, some won’t even talk. The affect of the secret is so strong at times, they yearn for the freedom from the chains and then, when a safe moment arrives, the child comes clean and shares their secret.

My Beginning …

*originally written March 8, 2011

It was an otherwise insignificant day in late 2007 that my world changed.  At the time, I wasn’t quite sure if it was for the better or for the worse, but what I was sure of, was the fact that my prayers were answered.  Looking back on that day, I can’t help but smile to myself as I remember the saying, “Be careful of what you wish for, because, you might just get it.”  Though, it is easy to say that in hindsight, it has been nothing but a hard and difficult journey to get to where I am today.  All of which has been worth it, because without it, none of what I share with you would be possible.