Death by a loved one … poetry form.

Click here: “PLEASE BE ADVISED!” before reading.

This is truly not an easy read, and if you have not yet read “PLEASE BE ADVISED!”, I suggest you do so now.  I wrote the original version of this piece ironically on Valentines Day 2009 and edited it to this poetry version on February 24, 2009 for a contest on WdC.  The reviews I recieved told me how difficult it was to read through this piece, so I implore you now to be cautious of what you are about to read.

I remember when I first wrote this piece, the disassociation was significant.  The words came quick, flowed without hesitation, and it wasn’t until I was finished writing that I realized what I had written.  It took me by surprise when I read each word, and my heart grew heavy as the memory of these nights began to rush in, yet at the same time, I felt freedom.  It was the first time I truly spoke about this, without holding back, without keeping little details buried inside me, without hiding the little truths I thought didn’t need to be said.  I unchained myself, because I allowed my soul to speak up.

Today I share with you one of the “Secrets” I used to keep hidden for almost 10 years.

Write. Share. Own.

I spent the day thinking about what to write, what to say … but the words never came.  I was left speechless, yet my whole body filled with so much emotion.  I decided to log-in to a site that used to be my home.  One that I spent countless hours at … spilling my heart and soul into every word, cleansing myself of the hurt, pain and tears, learning and loving myself, one piece at a time … and I remembered just how important it all was.  The freedom to lay myself bare and expose every haunting memory of what once was in a place that was safe, accepting and patient, is a blessing I will always cherish.  It is something we all deserve, something we all need.

A Pain No Greater … part one

*originally written March 14, 2011

It’s been a long, struggling weekend. I just signed off with a loved one after failing miserably to explain why the emotions I’ve had inside me have been storming with an intensity that even left me somewhat bewildered. Frustrated and emotionally drained, I smoked my last cigarette of the night and headed to bed. Searching for the comfort and safety of sleep, my mind began to run a million miles a minute and the tears just began to flow uncontrollably. The more I tried to shut my thoughts out, the more I tried to stop crying … the more intense they came. I laid in bed confused and hurting, wanting nothing more then to have someone recognize my pain and simply just hold me. But there was no one there. No arms to wrap around me, no lips to kiss my forehead, nobody to just hold me tight all night long and whisper that everything was going to be okay as I drifted to sleep in their arms.