Tactics of an abuser

by bbqueen46

Allow me to share this piece which I feel will help a lot of us …


by R. Lundy Bancroft

I think we can all relate to the way our abusers will gather sycophant allies around them and resort to spreading lies, malicious projection, finger-pointing and false rumours by factless innuendo and cruel insinuation. This rallying of troops to his ‘camp‘, those enablers that work with them is the well-worn tactic of the personality disordered fearful of exposure. His lies and calumny an effective coverup of his own actions.

These abusers, fearful of exposure, become ruthless in recruiting our families, closest friends, employers, colleagues and competitors as he systematically attempts to build support for his coverup. His self-serving smear campaign begins. Words cannot describe the hurt that is inflicted. Hang on tight, it‘s going to be a very cruel and bumpy ride. Don‘t expect other people to understand. They don‘t know about this type of abuser – yet!

If all else fails, the narcissist recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours – in short, third parties – to do his bidding. He uses these them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done.





7 Comments to “Tactics of an abuser”

  1. We need to get smarter than them. Not play their game, but come up with our own. Solid players in our game are education and awareness and then exposure. The fewer dark corners the abuser has to hide in, the less they are likely to take liberties. The masses need to become aware of what’s going on and what to look for. We need to start developing a mentality of watching out after each other and coming to each other’s rescue.

  2. “The masses need to become aware of what’s going on and what to look for. We need to start developing a mentality of watching out after each other and coming to each other’s rescue.” I couldn’t agree with you more.

    Exposure, Education and “Awareness” is what we need today if we are to address this plight of helpless women and children. It’s time we break free from the shackles of taboo conditioning and acceptance. Shine the light on it for all the world to see.

    • Exposure, education and awareness. Perfect. As an antidote to secrecy, silence and shame fueled by fear. I am wracking my brain in terms of what to do next. Where I live, I have approached two domestic violence organizations to volunteer. The first one (a domestic violence nonprofit) said to come back later and the second (local government), which I called this morning, says they can’t just take anyone as a volunteer (because I’m not with a mission or a church or other organization). I assured her that I’m not “just anyone” before I hung up. I’d pull my hair out if I thought it would help. Sure is tempting. Any ideas? (By the way, I’m in South America.)

  3. Hi Julie, I apologize for this late reply … got caught up in the mess of everyday life and some business calls requiring my attention.

    Our cause is very delicate and grim to say the very least because we are up against a mammoth of a system and culture. There is the church, the government, the entertainment industry, the legal system and ultimately the hard-core demands of the social society.

    However, it is not futile … for everyone we reach through our blogs (thank God for the internet), presents a wick of light for the taking to burst through the fog of abuse … even just for a brief moment to see a spark of relief … until one day they too can connect the sparks and see the light/s beyond … liken to that of a chain of “Christmas lights”…

    Allow me to share with you a flash back of my time:

    Back in the 70’s there was an outbreak of kidnapping in the USA, and as one case after another got exposed, it appeared that the children that were being kidnapped were also being molested.

    Naively as it sounds today; it was very shocking then and quite alarming. Yes, people of my generation knew of child molestation, in fact, some of us even knew that it happened to the so-called best of families. BUT it was considered TABOO … something you keep buried in the dark corner of the closet … look the other way and never, ever speak of it to anyone.

    Then, suddenly a new term was being flashed on nationwide TV. And for us not so scholarly … we had trouble pronouncing it … let allow understanding what it meant.

    “Pedophilia” was the term they gave the adult who pleasured themselves with children … imagine that … the offenders were being labeled and given a medical condition way before it the term ‘disorder’ was openly used as today.

    That was the green light signally the public that is was alright to bring it out into the open their horror stories because it was a condition that needed treatment … now we have sex offenders … etc.

    Mine is not to question the process and developments after. But mine is, that it is an evolving world we live in and with a lot more of us being open about this plight we share, we can achieve awareness and put the word out there that it is not right. Abuse is abuse. Hopefully in time we can gain true acceptance and recognition.

    My heart goes out to you … and every other woman in our situation … perhaps, in the near future we can join forces and come up with a group that gives outreach seminars of our own. In the meantime be well and hold steadfast on your path.

  4. Wow, thank you for the thoughful response. It appears that we share the same generation. You’re so right about how change can be effected and I think we’re on the same page regarding cultivating societal change. I LOVE the idea of giving seminars. I’m looking to very soon open up a consulting practice for nutrition and fitness, including transformation for women. The plan is for it to include small groups and possibly classes, depending on the size. It did not dawn on me until I just read what you wrote that outreach seminars could be done in the same space. Bravo, you! Thank you for that gift. I agree with all that you say. Ideas in this little head are starting to formulate. I find it very empowering that we are communicating like we are. We will grow in strength and wisdom and courage and numbers. Worldwide. I feel it in my soul. P.S. And I’m not waiting anymore for any organization to let me into their club in order for me to take face-to-face action.

  5. Great, I am so very happy to hear that … I wish you all the very best. And … thank you for your kind encouraging words …

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