Caught between Today and Yesterday.

by Michelle B. Araneta

Since the beginning of this month, I have been struggling to write much on anything that truly delves deep into the fog and the reason became clear to me yesterday.  In almost five years I have accumulated a numerous amount of court cases and in one of those court cases, I am finally going to take the stand and recount all the pain and trauma I went through once again.  Although the date of the hearing is still quite a ways away, I am faced with having to go through my old files and dig up the past in order for my lawyer and myself to be prepared.  The problem is, it’s not as simple as it sounds.

There comes a time when many of us reach a point where we can look back at our pain and realize that today, the power and control is now in our hands.  We’ve processed and understood all that we have gone through, learned to pick ourselves back up and finally, believe and own the strength that lies within us.  We have healed.  We can move forward.  We can live life.

Unfortunately, that process is not so clear cut for those of us fighting back, or standing up for our rights through the justice system.  It’s a much more complicated and complex situation, where the majority of us are constantly faced with a rubber band affect and having to acknowledge the fact that, we have fought one power and control only to have it replaced by another.

The biggest struggle I have constantly faced over these years is the back and forth of trying desperately to move on with my life, and having to live within the restrictions of my legal battles.  It’s a rubber band that I sometimes find myself lost in, much like today.  I have been living and enjoying life lately, doing my best to move forward but I’m pulled back into the past, having to remember every horrid memory, while having new memories resurface that have yet to be processed, and keep them at the front of my mind in preparation for my testimony.  This leaves me frozen.

Too many emotions … too much thinking … too much pressure … makes it so difficult to just be still.

I am scared.  No one needs to point it out.  I will also admit that it angers me that fear has found it’s way back into my life even after all this time.  His mask may have changed, but I still recognize him for all that he is.  I just wish I knew how to live for the future when I am caught somewhere between Today and Yesterday.

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11 Comments to “Caught between Today and Yesterday.”

  1. HI Michelle. I hear ya, and I feel ya. You are really brave and amazing. Don’t let yourself be fooled into thinking that you are anything less than a hero. You’re just dipping into hell for bit. You will come up clean and new and wiser and stronger than ever. Of course this is easier for me to say. I’m not the one in this moment having the stir up right now. You can do this, and regardless of the outcomes, you get to remain amazing. I know that in my life, sometimes I have to re-chew the past to move forward. It doesn’t taste or feel good, of course, but being taken through the fire has its rewards on the other side. I try to increasingly remember that while I’m crying and dying and in the weeds… to remember that God is strengthening and refining me, and answering my prayers — my prayers to be powerfully developed and prepared for what I ask for. You are fighting the good fight and many will be saved and prosper as a result of your diligence and example. Sending love and big hugs your way.

  2. I have felt the same way with writing about the past and confronting the pain, fear and anger, but the strange thing is that at the end, it starts to feel empowering, almost like you suddenly own control over it. After the pain of it, it feels like a release, some closure, never will there be full closure, but enough to move on to a much happier place. Sounds starnge, but that has been my experience and I hope it will be yours too 🙂

    • Yes, I know that conquering the pain, fear and anger is very empowering … but its a very important detail we forget when we let everything else take the spotlight. My mind and heart has been focused on the struggles, instead of focusing on conquering, but I do hope I have changed my train of thought over these past few days.

      Thank you so much for your support and words, they do mean so very much.

  3. Been thinking about you today, Michelle, and praying for you. You and Claire both give me strength. I agree with Claire. That’s my experience too. I dip down, but realize stuff faster and come up stronger. Hope that your path is being smoothed and loaded with miracles.

    • Thank you so very much Julie. Over the years, I’ve gotten used to dealing with the ups and heavy downs of fighting, but there are still times it just hits so strongly and I just want to run away. I know each experience is a lesson that I can learn from, gain wisdom from and I know in my heart that it is preparation and strengthening for something bigger, but your mind can play tricks on you at times.

      I’ve been hoping and praying that I will just snap out of it, but I realized that I have to make the first move and take that leap of faith … sometimes I can be so stubborn.

      Thank you Julie, for all your words and support. I am so blessed.

      • Hi Michelle, I think of you often. You’re so right about the mind playing tricks on us. Every time I figure out a trick, another one (or three) is right beneath it. And I know all about heavy downs. I think that now I accept them as part of it all and so I don’t get scared like I used to. I can’t imagine you stubborn. I think that sometimes in order to take leaps, we need information or more clarity. I don’t know what your situation is, but on this end, I have been told numerous times to be strong by others. If it were that easy, I would have done it. What they didn’t realize is that pushing me to be strong without providing me with tools was just making things worse. In my situation, whenever I push myself to take action before I’m ready, I’m not so good at being persistent with it afterwards. What you have is wisdom and inner strength and determination. Maybe you need more “ah ha’s” before moving forward. But sometimes I know that we can’t wait for ah ha’s because there are deadlines. That’s when things really suck. I have a deadline in Saturday. There’s no way out of it. I have to face it even though hurts like a you-know-what and I don’t feel ready. I don’t know. This stuff is all so confusing, and as soon as I get clarity on one thing, I feel attacked by something else. But there are more and more rainbows and their colors are becoming brighter. And don’t worry about “checking out” here. You don’t really check out. You’re missed, but also understood and loved and supported. Sending big hugs and strength your way. You are amazing.

        • Thank you so much! I’m sorry for the delayed reply. I just needed to take a step back, a big step back. What you said, “and as soon as I get clarity on one thing, I feel attacked by something else.” is exactly how I feel. Every time i feel as though I am moving forward something seems to come around trying to pull me back. I’ve gotten used to it unfortunately, but there are instances that hit harder than others. I know I will persevere and keep moving forward, but sometimes it’s exhausting to keep fighting that I need to take a breath and reconnect with myself.

          Thank you truly for being so supportive and understanding. It means the world.

          • Hi Michelle. Great to hear from you. Think of you often with my fondness. I totally understand what you say about needing to take a breath and reconnect with yourself. I find that that often happens to me on Saturdays and have learned to often take the whole day for me as the need arises. I strongly believe that you will get through all this and come out victorious. Being refined is tough stuff, but, ahhhhh, the rewards that follow. Big hugs!

  4. Funny thing about rubber bands, they eventually break freeing your from being bound to the past. There are going to be difficult moments to contend with, and I don’t believe that will ever stop. But with that said, you have such strength to persist and it shows in your writing. You provide much hope to women with your words, and your blog gives refuge to those who are seeking help. I truly wish you peace as you once again are forced on another unpleasant journey. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

    • Thank you so very much.

      Strangely, I didn’t even consider that rubber bands eventually break. I was too focused on the stretching and pulling and back and forth, that it completely slipped my mind … but it is something I have to remember. It can be such difficult journey at times, and one can get so lost in the twists and turns, but we all have to remember … myself, very much included … that we all have the strength and courage deep inside us to keep moving forward. It is a blessing and a gift we were each given. I am trying to reach in and grab mine now.

  5. I just wanted to thank you all. I do realize that I say those words quite often, but they are never said lightly. I am so blessed to have the opportunity to have you all in my life and I am so very grateful. Please do know that, even though there may be days that go by with nothing but silence, my thoughts are filled with all of you.

    Thank you again for all your support, prayers and thoughts.

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