One journey.

Sometimes getting back into the swing of things is much easier said than done.

The last time I met with my lawyer, she said something to me that I haven’t quite been able to shake till now.  She told me that as she read my pieces on here, she realized that I wasn’t quite out of the fog as she had thought I was.  Since that day, I have found myself trying to prove (to myself) that I am indeed out of the fog.  Silly as it sounds, I was living life by avoiding everything that would remotely remind me of what used to be.  That is until I realized that for those of us that have lived in the fog, there will always come a point in time that although we are out, we will have our moments with one foot in the light while the other slipped back into the darkness.

I tried to explain to her the reasons I felt were important to understand why it may appear this way to her, not seeing that I was actually making excuses.  It was a hard admission I had to face.  I was in denial, to be honest.  I couldn’t possibly believe that after all this time, how hard I’ve worked, and how intensely I have fought … that maybe, just maybe … I was back at where I started.

Yes, it’s possible.

Just the other night I was asked,

“If you’re married, how can it be rape?”

No matter how many times I have been asked this question in the past,it still amazes me that so many people continue to ask it.

The true understanding of rape, even sexual assault, comes from recognizing and comprehending the difference between an act that is sexual in nature and, an act to gain and/or maintain power and control over a person. These are two very different acts that should not be misinterpreted to be one and the same.

Rape is an act of power and control. The sexual nature of rape is just the means used to gain and/or maintain power and control over a person.

When one understands this fact, one will understand that rape in a marriage is very possible.

Caught between Today and Yesterday.

Since the beginning of this month, I have been struggling to write much on anything that truly delves deep into the fog and the reason became clear to me yesterday.  In almost five years I have accumulated a numerous amount of court cases and in one of those court cases, I am finally going to take the stand and recount all the pain and trauma I went through once again.  Although the date of the hearing is still quite a ways away, I am faced with having to go through my old files and dig up the past in order for my lawyer and myself to be prepared.  The problem is, it’s not as simple as it sounds.

Teens Start Talking …

Important words from our youth.

April 1st, 2012 …

For those of you who don’t know … the first of April ends Women’s Month and brings in the Month of two special issues in the United States:  National Child Abuse Awareness and Sexual Assault Awareness.  This two issues are intricately related to Domestic Violence, but at the same time, they can also be found in separate situations.  Both issues (and I only use the word ‘issues’ for lack of better words) are abuse.  There is no debate about that and it is a fact that we should all come to realize.

Heritance of abuse …

Background: This is my response to the letter of my sister-in-law’s sister regarding the situation of my nephew’s recent rehabilitation confinement for drug and behavior abuse. Recently widowed, my sister-in-law is now faced with the solitude and void that her husband left while her 47 year son steps in front line and center bringing to light her acquired behavior of helplessness.

Thank you Nat for an in-depth analysis and appreciation of the situation.  Often, we on the outside, detached and distant have a totally different take on the matter.  Now it is clear and obvious what has to be done.

Yes, I agree that Ludy is suffering from BWS ‘battered woman syndrome’.   As much as I love my brother, Gary, I cannot be oblivious to the dynamics of their relationship as a couple.   BWS ‘battered woman syndrome’ is a very real problem and blankets all kinds of abuses, from physical, psychological, emotional, financial, and sexual among others.   A lot of us suffer from it, some mild while others are intense.   Sad to say, a lot of us women take it to our graves because the church blatantly re-enforces it and conditions the women to just take it and offer it as a sacrifice.

The making of an abuser …

A lot has to be said for how an abuser was as a son, brother and boyfriend.  One can’t be so different the other, for love has to be the fundamental ingredient, if not by choice than by affinity … for one can not truly love without loving your own.

Abusers almost always never leave their prey.  And, if by a remote chance they do, they hold steadfast to their faulty claim with firm control through whatever means possible …

Do you speak “Abuse”?

Click here: “PLEASE BE ADVISED!” before reading.

“Secrets …

… We learn to hide each one of them from the eyes of the world, burying them deep within us, hoping that they will arrive in the land of the forgotten. Unknowingly when we do that, we inevitably keep ourselves chained to the depths of the fog he has created. We struggle against the chains, trying desperately to free ourselves, but the more we lock up our secrets and bury them inside us, the tighter their grip on us becomes. So we learn to cope, learn to believe what he says, and learn to understand that he is right … but still we silently pray, we silently hope, we silently plead with life to give us that one moment of safety to unchain us from our secret.” (excerpt from “Secrets.”)

~*~*~*~

As luck would have it, there comes a day when we find that safe moment. We gather all our strength and courage to share our little secret … but, unfortunately, most of the time we are not faced with that loving parent mentioned in “Secrets.” We find we are not sharing our story with the person we thought would listen to every word and scoop us up immediately to hold us close. We are sharing our story with someone different, someone who doesn’t understand, someone who doesn’t believe us. Someone that begins to sound like him.

Death by a loved one … poetry form.

Click here: “PLEASE BE ADVISED!” before reading.

This is truly not an easy read, and if you have not yet read “PLEASE BE ADVISED!”, I suggest you do so now.  I wrote the original version of this piece ironically on Valentines Day 2009 and edited it to this poetry version on February 24, 2009 for a contest on WdC.  The reviews I recieved told me how difficult it was to read through this piece, so I implore you now to be cautious of what you are about to read.

I remember when I first wrote this piece, the disassociation was significant.  The words came quick, flowed without hesitation, and it wasn’t until I was finished writing that I realized what I had written.  It took me by surprise when I read each word, and my heart grew heavy as the memory of these nights began to rush in, yet at the same time, I felt freedom.  It was the first time I truly spoke about this, without holding back, without keeping little details buried inside me, without hiding the little truths I thought didn’t need to be said.  I unchained myself, because I allowed my soul to speak up.

Today I share with you one of the “Secrets” I used to keep hidden for almost 10 years.

Secrets.

Click here: “PLEASE BE ADVISED!” before reading.

Secrets. We all know and understand what emotions and struggles come with carrying secrets, but do we all know, understand and comprehend what emotions and struggles come with carrying dark secrets. I don’t think so.

A five year old child knows the guilt and fear of lying to their parents when they say, “I didn’t break it, Mommy. Thomas (their three year old brother) did!”

Children automatically fear the anger, the scolding, the punishment. The disapproving and disappointing looks they’ll get from the people they love most. They tremble from the idea that their wrongdoing might lead to their mother or father no longer loving them, but eventually, guilt kicks in. The weight of the lie, the secret, weighs heavily on them. It becomes too much for them to carry. Some children can’t sleep, some can’t eat, some won’t even talk. The affect of the secret is so strong at times, they yearn for the freedom from the chains and then, when a safe moment arrives, the child comes clean and shares their secret.