Since the beginning of this month, I have been struggling to write much on anything that truly delves deep into the fog and the reason became clear to me yesterday. In almost five years I have accumulated a numerous amount of court cases and in one of those court cases, I am finally going to take the stand and recount all the pain and trauma I went through once again. Although the date of the hearing is still quite a ways away, I am faced with having to go through my old files and dig up the past in order for my lawyer and myself to be prepared. The problem is, it’s not as simple as it sounds.
There comes a time when many of us reach a point where we can look back at our pain and realize that today, the power and control is now in our hands. We’ve processed and understood all that we have gone through, learned to pick ourselves back up and finally, believe and own the strength that lies within us. We have healed. We can move forward. We can live life.
Unfortunately, that process is not so clear cut for those of us fighting back, or standing up for our rights through the justice system. It’s a much more complicated and complex situation, where the majority of us are constantly faced with a rubber band affect and having to acknowledge the fact that, we have fought one power and control only to have it replaced by another.
The biggest struggle I have constantly faced over these years is the back and forth of trying desperately to move on with my life, and having to live within the restrictions of my legal battles. It’s a rubber band that I sometimes find myself lost in, much like today. I have been living and enjoying life lately, doing my best to move forward but I’m pulled back into the past, having to remember every horrid memory, while having new memories resurface that have yet to be processed, and keep them at the front of my mind in preparation for my testimony. This leaves me frozen.
Too many emotions … too much thinking … too much pressure … makes it so difficult to just be still.
I am scared. No one needs to point it out. I will also admit that it angers me that fear has found it’s way back into my life even after all this time. His mask may have changed, but I still recognize him for all that he is. I just wish I knew how to live for the future when I am caught somewhere between Today and Yesterday.